018

I hate you.

It seemed like a clear statement from her to him, not really spoken but was rather muttered by her in an empty, white and bright room. He only looked back at the girl, who was looking down on the blank floor, his eyes were red; even if it was just her muttering, he heard it too well.

"Might as well forget about it, then," he said, breaking the silence.

From the empty white room, it went on to become a room with many broken chairs and tables, seemingly unused for years and had a row of windows at one side of the room. She sat still on a broken, wooden chair, while he stood next to her.

"It is better this way," he continued speaking, as he looked ahead of himself to outside the windows, to the empty field right outside the room; the sunshine was shining brightly. "It cannot be avoided."

There she was, stuck with nothing good to say.

"Enough of all of this. It brings more and more frustation and dissatisfaction to both of us." He took a short glance at her. "It might be the only way there is."

"That's not true," she commented. "I don't think so..."

"You hate me." He looked at her again for a moment. "So you should know so." He let out a sigh. "Nothing else."

She was held at the top of her breath again.

But then...

Her other self spoke from her back in whispers, putting up a face rather emotionless. "Would you tell it to him?"

No way. But...

No, it was all just a cover up.

It was basically, not what it seems.

For in truth I hated you; you, as in that deep, feeling I couldn't get rid of; that feeling of my love for you.

For there is no way I could hate you so suddenly when I love you.

That I wanted a reason to get over you.

As it seems like you got over me a long time ago.. and that it doesn't seem to matter to you of what bad things you often say to me.

So I thought I was trash to you for a while, getting over-sensitive for that one stupid while.

It just proves my weakness, affected by my troubled feelings.

Now you think I hate you...

I think now you hate me too.

"You," he said after a long silence, looking at her in the eye, as if wanting to say something else. "Anything else?"

She felt awkward and confused, guzzling. I know that doing or saying anything now would either make no difference, or just makes it worse... like it has been before...

Then he turned his gaze away. "I have nothing else to say." Putting his hands in his jean pockets, he seemed ready to leave. "Goodbye."

Goodbye?

"Nisa, wait, this can't be how you want it to be!" Her emotionless, other self just went rather uptight. At the same time, she just stared at the face of the guy who was standing right beside her a moment ago, who was then leaving, one step after another.

I can't do anything now.

He must want all of this to stop in his life now. He got tired of it.

A full stop. Me, out of it.

"You know you wanna say something, don't you?"

Forget it... She closed her ears with her palms, closing her eyes, feeling annoyed with herself. "Shut up now, stop!"

"You're ruining it."

I already ruined it. Forget about it.

"That's it?! What, forget everything just like that?! Impossible! It's bakarashii!!"

Her eyes were stung with tears, and she was trying hard to avoid them from coming out. I always hope the best will happen for you in your life.

Things seemed to be falling out of place.

I forgot I cried.......

Then I wonder what you remember anymore.

I don't wanna hear it... stop!

The wooden chair suddenly broke down, sending her falling to the ground.

I've fallen. Forgive me. She looked up, somehow, seeing the skies.

"Stop it!"

Her eyes opened slowly. She could hear quite a fuss going on around her, or somewhere there.

"I know what I did, all right?" he shouted out loud, enraged. "So shut up!"

Sitting down on the couch, Pen rubbed his head, as he took the wet rug from Brian and put it over his forehead, his head in pain.

"I won't forgive you for this," Sarah declared, glaring at him from the kitchen area; as she was making a cup of coffee there in her own house.

Pen kept silent, as he continued rubbing his head. Brian looked on, not saying much, as he sat on the one-seat sofa next to the couch. "Whatever, guys."

"Damn. Why was she there anyway?!" Pen grumbled. His sanity was going off the drain as the seconds passed. He was unable to think clearly for most of that day all the way through the night that he felt like going mad wherever he went. When Nisa passed out, he went on walking out. There were a few of others there who were passing by; they were quick to help Nisa out and they were definitely not going to let Pen go so easily, so they pulled him back to the scene. He was almost going to be as good as dead as some men there were already beating him up. All of a sudden, the cell phone that he used to throw at Nisa went ringing; much to his surprise, expecting that it would have been dead and no longer functioning, looking at its current shape at that time, it seemed already broken. That was when Brian called him up. And that had later brought them there after Nisa was checked by Pen's private doctor that night. At least that was Pen's way to redeem for himself.

Inside Sarah's bedroom, Nisa had awakened. She had a part of her forehead with plasters on, where it really hurt when she tried to touch it.

She tried to get up, her head hurting. At the same time, she had a strange feeling inside her, somehow.

013

Am I seeing stars again?

"HEY!"

Smoke was coming out from the bonnet of his convertible car. Driving under the influence at night, Pen was not able to control his car too well and swerved to the side of the street where he nearly hit someone he never really saw there sooner - hitting the street light instead. Fortunately for him, he was fine, other than being quite out of his mind for the time being.

"Watch out where you're going!" The guy he nearly hit before continued shouting at him. He was the only one still walking around there, of what seemed like a dark street that hardly anyone goes to.

Silent, Pen stared up to the lights above him, oblivious to his surroundings or whatever just happened around him. In his mind, he was only seeing the light from the street light above him that he had just hit with his car. Without much thoughts in his head, he just smiled at the damaged street mast.

Stars...

"Hey you! Don't you hear me? You could've killed me!" Again, the guy yelled at him, now coming closer to him, furious. Wearing a black hoody and brown cargo pants, of what seemed like a local drug addict, he drew himself closer to Pen, thinking to get back some compensation from him, some big compensation.

"You..." He called out louldly, now standing right next to his broken car. Pen turned from the light to look at him, feeling vague.

"Huh?"

Pen then saw him holding a knife in his right hand, as if ready to strike down at him with it in a downward position. Still it came into his senses that he could be in a dangerous situation at that moment, quite slowly. Too slowly.

That is... a... He blinked a few times, seeing the knife as a sparkling rectangular object that he could not identify, assuming it was some kind of a weird torchlight, thus decided to ignore the fella.

"Give me your money, all you've got!" The threat slid through Pen's ears like it meant nothing at all.

A noisy thug with a bling in his hand... He continued looking at the street lamp above his head, grinning to himself - giving a thought to the guy that he was, actually, a psycho.

"I SAID, GIVE ME WHAT YOU GOT!" He yelled out, louder, as he got closer to Pen and pulled his shirt up with his left hand, putting the knife right in front of his nose. At that, Pen forgot about the street light above him but just focused on the light of the street lamp rebounding from the guy's knife directly into his eyes. He gave no response, as if he had no fear, in fact he really felt nothing inside other than the eagerness to look at the light.

Pen simply snorted. "I ain't got anything..."

It seemed as if the guy threatening him could not take it anymore and had grown out of patience. "Weakling. You make me sick." He kept his knife away as Pen just watched him doing so. The guy opened the door of the driver's seat and looked through Pen's trousers' pockets to find his wallet or anything that could be valuable and took them away, all without Pen fighting back or even realising what was happening in his own car. In a few seconds, the guy took away every valuable he could find in the car. As a matter of fact, he could have taken the car away too, if he could start the engine again and the car was not broken - he would just leave Pen there, stranded on the street, left with nothing.

The guy opened up Pen's wallet before leaving. "Hah! Thanks man." Then he began taking off, with his last words to Pen, "Nothing for you now but your car, dude!"

All Pen could do was just moan, feeling like it was just like it was in his unreal dream.

_________________________________________________________________________________


Sparkling little thingy.

Nothing's sparkling here. It's gonna shine yeah, from the sun I know.

It's shining... and it's the stars...

What stars? It's almost morning. Get up, moron.

He could not tell what was going on.

"I smell you, you stink, now, get up!"

Suddenly he could feel very cold water being poured onto his face which made him wake up instantly, shaking his head out like a doggy. He rubbed his eyes hard, able to see the vision of several people standing next to him, talking. "Now, driving under the influence is a serious offense which can result in imprisonment, a substantial fine and loss of your driving permit, did you know that?!" The same male voice was the one yelling like the first one he first heard, indeed, sounding familiar.

"What are you, a lawyer?" He heard a female voice, quite distant, but becoming closer. "Pen, you with us? What happened?"

AH, damn it. His head hurt bad because of his drinking last night, and apparently it was not dark as it used to be anymore, as if it was almost dawn.

"Man, how'd you get here? There's hardly anyone around. Lucky we're here!"

Pen looked up. "Brian." He put both his palms against his head, still feeling dizzy. "Sarah, Nisa. I barely remember much." He looked at Brian. "How did you get here?"

Brian raised his eyebrows, pointing his fingers to Sarah. "She from steak to night driving to extreme police anxiety to getting us lost till the morning to getting us nowhere!"

She was starting to grow mad at his attitude of keeping blaming others.

"Shut up already!" She yelled and moaned, feeling very dissatisfied as Nisa just looked on, not quite sure what to say.

"Hey, you're the one who got us here, supposedly goin' to the police station in Lewes but you got us all lost instead!" Brian claimed back at her, also mad. He looked like he had not been able to get enough sleep. "Buggin' around with my sleepin' time, what is it, 4 am or somethin'?"

"I'm the one driving the car, it's my car, if you have a problem with me then don't ride with me!"

Oh man, what they arguing about now? Pen felt irritated, feeling pain around his nape of neck.

"Enough already, Sarah just took the wrong turn that just caused us going to the wrong route. We're not exactly lost, we are still in Sussex. Just that everything's needing longer time because you guys are always fighting over unnecessary things, taking unnecessary time," Nisa barged in out of the blue.

"You guys aren't solving anything," Nisa stated, getting to Pen who was about to fall back into slumberland again. "Whoa there, hang in there, you two, there are better things to do right now, huh?" Nisa said to the two, indicating she needed help.

Sarah moaned hard and turned away from Brian. As Pen was waking up again, Nisa opened his car door and tried to pull him out, with the assistance of Brian.

"I'll take your things from your car, Pen. We'll get this for repairs since we can't start it," Sarah said, after trying to start the engine.

"We'll take you to the hospital-" Brian told him as he helped to carry him to Sarah's car. "Yeah, thanks, Nisa. I can take it from here." Being the girl with the height that was not up to Pen's standards, there was not much that Nisa could really help much with him, unfortunately.

"I hate hospitals, don't take me there anymore, I'm fine..." Pen exclaimed feebly.

"You're like this and you said you're fine??"

"I'll be FINE," Pen said assuringly, this time turning to look at Brian with a serious look in his eyes. Brian looked back at him, puzzled.

"Fine it is, then."

"Yeah, I am fine." Pen walked out from Brian who was leading him by the hand when he saw clearly where Sarah's Nissan Altima was and immediately went inside to the rear seat, turning his head away from Brian. Letting out a deep sigh, Brian decided to not bother about it for the moment despite everyone's being moody. He checked on what the rest were doing.

At Pen's broken car, Sarah was kinda puzzled. She turned back around. "Hey Pen, don't you keep your MP3 player in your car? Usually in the compartment? Seems like nothing's here."

With the car windows all open, Pen could hear her from where he was, even if it was not too clear. He suddenly remembered something.

Pen checked his pockets and then all over his body. Feeling dissatisfied, he turned around to the window and yelled out, "I've been robbed! Under the stars!"

002

Huh?

Sarah woke up to the bright sunlight shining through the windows, onto her face. Looking at the apple-clock on the end table next to her bed, she realised that she had missed her Fajr prayer – it was half past 9 in the morning on another Saturday in East Sussex, UK.

“Ouh.. not again…” she grumbled to herself. And I just thought about going jogging after I pray.

The thought of jogging made her remember that it was indeed another Saturday, a day which she had always gone for jogging. Saturdays were her favourite, having day-off from the rest of the world for her to engage into her own. She looked at a picture frame next to the apple-clock, of which was a medium-sized picture of her father who died back 3 years ago because of alcoholism.

She stared out the window, looking down the quiet neighbourhood from her second floor room in that apartment in Flakestown. Closing her eyes to feel the wind blowing her hair, she felt like her decision to come to that place was the best decision ever. Still there, living on her own after about a year since she arrived in that country, Britain, to further her studies after all the hassle trying to get there. In that hassle, she had to deal with her father’s condition of being alcoholic, something that was not an everyday situation or problem that most of her friends had. Dealing with a father that had left her and her mother along with four other siblings was not easy in such a condition. Her father, Rahim, left them even before she was born, but had often been coming back to them within 2 years before his death. She could remember him very well – he came to them when they were done having dinner at home, where she was the one who opened the door after hearing the doorbell rang, thinking it was her older brother who was not there at that moment who always went out at night. There stood at the door a man in his forties whom she did not recognise, someone who looked like a homeless man who had not cleaned up himself for a long while. However, looking at the man, she had a funny feeling inside, leaving her speechless for a moment.

“Who’s at the door –” Sarah’s mother appeared from behind. She stood as if in shock at what she was seeing at that time, not moving an inch, looking at the man at the door. Sarah took a glimpse at her mother and shrugged. “I don’t know who he is…”

The man was about to reach his hand out to them before he fainted right away at the door, falling right in front of his daughter’s feet. While Sarah was starting to panic at the situation, her mother clung to the opened door with tears starting to flow down her cheeks. Hearing the strange commotion, Sarah’s two other sisters came about to look at what was happening.

“Mama, what happened? Who is this?” Farah went over to get to her mother who was beginning to become unstable. “What’s wrong??” She looked at Sarah who only looked back, blurred and startled as her other younger sister went to call for help. Their mother, Nadiah kept crying as she moved closer to the man fallen at the door, trying to get a hold of his apparently weak right hand. “Your father…” She looked at the man in disbelief and closed her eyes, as tears keep rolling down.

Opening her eyes, Sarah felt a warm feeling deep inside. That was a moment that she could not forget, to know the man she had not seen for years come back to them in such a condition. The man she had always wondered whether he was dead or alive. The man she never got to know, at times she felt curious of what kind of person he was like. The man she grew to hate for leaving her family and leaving all the burden to her mother. Nadiah was overwhelmed by his comeback although she was very hurt and angry by his act of leaving and abandoning her and his children before. Despite of his wrongdoings, she was able to forgive him – much to her children’s dismay. Because some of her children could not accept him, he was not allowed to stay in their home, which was understood by Nadiah. Being the youngest child, Sarah – although hated her father at first – came to love him when she tried to get to know him better. Her dad once cried as they were both having a simple conversation with each other. He took the step to leave them and never came back till then, and he eventually began regretting his faults. So he turned to alcohol which at first was just a once-in-a-lifetime plan, turned to be a lifetime of disaster.

Love you, dad…even for all that you ever did…

She closed her eyes again…

Splat! Something hit her face. It felt cold and watery…

“You there at the window! Come out here, hurry up, we’re late already! We had a date to go to, remember? You’re the one that set all of it up anyway!”

Ouch. That voice is so loud is hurts.

Sarah knew the voice all too well. There was a wet cloth, possibly soaked in some melted ice or cold water, thrown to her face earlier that later fell down to the floor. She turned, with raised eyebrows and a frown, to look down on Nisa down the building who was practically yelling at her. “Hey! You hear –”

“Yea, yea, I hear you already. Wait up.” Sarah picked up the cloth and threw it back out to Nisa, obviously mad. She moved away from the window and grabbed for her towel for a bath.

Date?It’s just some work that needs to be done. Okay, no need to throw me something like that right in the face. Sarah snorted, thinking of a plan of some way to sort of kill her later.

Down the building, Nisa, who managed to catch the rolled, thrown cloth that then looked like a really bad yarn product, looked on at the window with a smile.

"Cool," she said to herself.