021

No... this is not working!

Pushing the blanket off her body, Nisa tried to get up; moving carefully as not to awaken Sarah who was sleeping next to her in that same bed that was also a king size. She was trying so hard to get some sleep after a bit of talking with Sarah, but it had not worked since she began trying almost three hours ago. All kinds of strange thoughts came clouding her mind; she was not even sure what they were, some of them seemed so vague.

At the same time, she was trying all she could to remember just the simplest detail of what seemed to be lost from her present memories - somehow, about the only part that was missing - all concerned with someone referred to as Joey. It was probably even more than that that she had no memories of anymore, only that she had not known about it yet.

"That name seems to mean something, but frankly speaking, I have nothing I could recall concerning him," Nisa was explaining to Sarah earlier.

"Seriously? You don't remember him at all?"

Nisa, shaking her head, felt so depressed somehow. Something inside wanted to come out so bad, yet, she did not even know what it was. It seemed so important.

"I..." Nisa was feeling empty, at her very worst. "It seems very crucial, Sarah. You all are good within my memories but I don't remember this Joey at all... what is this, Sarah? Why...?"

She could not help it; she began crying. Sarah, seemingly speechless, felt very bad for her. Giving her a good hug, she said, "Take some more rest. This probably has something to do with last night's accident. I know what I can do for you later on. We'll discuss it again later, okay? I promise, soon enough, I will try my best to help."

Sarah, a girl with family problems, regarding her family history. Also a girl with great warmth when dealt with, although at some point she could get over her head with things she found to be dissatisfied with which could get quite annoying - consider the situation between her and Pen. Still, in the worst situations, she always found a way to give comfort to the people around her and try to lend a helping hand if she could help solve the problem. Growing up in such a family, money never seemed to be a problem, though. Her mother became a successful businesswoman despite all the problems that happened in the family in the past, not failing to take care of the children and giving all her love to them even without anyone else's help. The children were educated well and able to live well without a father. Only, true problems always seemed to have risen everytime the topic regarding their father came up, in which the children found it to be devastating to deal with - an ignorant, violent, alcoholic father.

So there she was, in a considerably big and beautiful apartment that was quite costly to pay for every month, but never seemed to be a problem for Sarah for all the while she had lived there. She would have lived along with her if she had not agreed to share the same rented house with the other girls before she knew Sarah would be living there.

Regardless of all the good, comfy conditions, she failed to go back to sleep. In fact, she felt like going out for a moment, as if feeling the need to go somewhere specific although she had no idea where or why or how to get there.

Life really feels far from complete now.

Groggily trying to stand up on her feet, she tried to walk steadily toward the bedroom door. Just as she was going to open up the doorknob, she saw something on the small table next to the door, with its lights blinking clearly. It was Sarah's Garmin GPS phone, having its screen targeted on some kind of a map within Sussex.

In the midst of her confusion, she found the phone to be quite a tool, of which she would always find to be "cool" - as she would say so. Curiosity over such gadgets that she probably would never afford to own would always be quite overwhelming for her to supposedly take a short look at.

She had a feeling as well that it would lead her somewhere to lessen her burden of confusion.

Me never a tech kind of person.

Pressing some bit of buttons...

A new area appeared on the map. Although it seemed quite random and not a place she had been to before, there was some attraction to one place in the area on the map; an instinctive feeling telling her to go there. She decided that she would go, pretty much knowing her way to the place.

Am I kidding myself? Why this place, out of all other places in this town?

It was not so clear. But she took her headscarf and dressed up quite casually, knowing that she would definitely go on with the idea.

Remembering her things to bring this time, she took her small purse and her cell phone, fitting them into her jeans.

It was already about 8 a.m.. Supposedly there was no sign of unfortunate events by going on with the unplanned decision, only the bright sunlight coming in through the windows.

Off I go then. See you, Sarah.

018

I hate you.

It seemed like a clear statement from her to him, not really spoken but was rather muttered by her in an empty, white and bright room. He only looked back at the girl, who was looking down on the blank floor, his eyes were red; even if it was just her muttering, he heard it too well.

"Might as well forget about it, then," he said, breaking the silence.

From the empty white room, it went on to become a room with many broken chairs and tables, seemingly unused for years and had a row of windows at one side of the room. She sat still on a broken, wooden chair, while he stood next to her.

"It is better this way," he continued speaking, as he looked ahead of himself to outside the windows, to the empty field right outside the room; the sunshine was shining brightly. "It cannot be avoided."

There she was, stuck with nothing good to say.

"Enough of all of this. It brings more and more frustation and dissatisfaction to both of us." He took a short glance at her. "It might be the only way there is."

"That's not true," she commented. "I don't think so..."

"You hate me." He looked at her again for a moment. "So you should know so." He let out a sigh. "Nothing else."

She was held at the top of her breath again.

But then...

Her other self spoke from her back in whispers, putting up a face rather emotionless. "Would you tell it to him?"

No way. But...

No, it was all just a cover up.

It was basically, not what it seems.

For in truth I hated you; you, as in that deep, feeling I couldn't get rid of; that feeling of my love for you.

For there is no way I could hate you so suddenly when I love you.

That I wanted a reason to get over you.

As it seems like you got over me a long time ago.. and that it doesn't seem to matter to you of what bad things you often say to me.

So I thought I was trash to you for a while, getting over-sensitive for that one stupid while.

It just proves my weakness, affected by my troubled feelings.

Now you think I hate you...

I think now you hate me too.

"You," he said after a long silence, looking at her in the eye, as if wanting to say something else. "Anything else?"

She felt awkward and confused, guzzling. I know that doing or saying anything now would either make no difference, or just makes it worse... like it has been before...

Then he turned his gaze away. "I have nothing else to say." Putting his hands in his jean pockets, he seemed ready to leave. "Goodbye."

Goodbye?

"Nisa, wait, this can't be how you want it to be!" Her emotionless, other self just went rather uptight. At the same time, she just stared at the face of the guy who was standing right beside her a moment ago, who was then leaving, one step after another.

I can't do anything now.

He must want all of this to stop in his life now. He got tired of it.

A full stop. Me, out of it.

"You know you wanna say something, don't you?"

Forget it... She closed her ears with her palms, closing her eyes, feeling annoyed with herself. "Shut up now, stop!"

"You're ruining it."

I already ruined it. Forget about it.

"That's it?! What, forget everything just like that?! Impossible! It's bakarashii!!"

Her eyes were stung with tears, and she was trying hard to avoid them from coming out. I always hope the best will happen for you in your life.

Things seemed to be falling out of place.

I forgot I cried.......

Then I wonder what you remember anymore.

I don't wanna hear it... stop!

The wooden chair suddenly broke down, sending her falling to the ground.

I've fallen. Forgive me. She looked up, somehow, seeing the skies.

"Stop it!"

Her eyes opened slowly. She could hear quite a fuss going on around her, or somewhere there.

"I know what I did, all right?" he shouted out loud, enraged. "So shut up!"

Sitting down on the couch, Pen rubbed his head, as he took the wet rug from Brian and put it over his forehead, his head in pain.

"I won't forgive you for this," Sarah declared, glaring at him from the kitchen area; as she was making a cup of coffee there in her own house.

Pen kept silent, as he continued rubbing his head. Brian looked on, not saying much, as he sat on the one-seat sofa next to the couch. "Whatever, guys."

"Damn. Why was she there anyway?!" Pen grumbled. His sanity was going off the drain as the seconds passed. He was unable to think clearly for most of that day all the way through the night that he felt like going mad wherever he went. When Nisa passed out, he went on walking out. There were a few of others there who were passing by; they were quick to help Nisa out and they were definitely not going to let Pen go so easily, so they pulled him back to the scene. He was almost going to be as good as dead as some men there were already beating him up. All of a sudden, the cell phone that he used to throw at Nisa went ringing; much to his surprise, expecting that it would have been dead and no longer functioning, looking at its current shape at that time, it seemed already broken. That was when Brian called him up. And that had later brought them there after Nisa was checked by Pen's private doctor that night. At least that was Pen's way to redeem for himself.

Inside Sarah's bedroom, Nisa had awakened. She had a part of her forehead with plasters on, where it really hurt when she tried to touch it.

She tried to get up, her head hurting. At the same time, she had a strange feeling inside her, somehow.

017

Walking without stability, Pen did not care to consider what was going on around him, across the streets or wherever he was at. The day would soon fall into the night, and he really had no specific place he wanted to go to.

To the goody bookstore... he thought, remembering how he and Jennifer used to enjoy themselves spending time at local bookstores around the town. But looking at the actual condition, it did not seem like he was directed to anywhere good, only the closest pubs in town. He was headed to streets where there was not much of anyone around.

Following behind him was Nisa, who tried to not be too apparent so as not for him to realise that she was there.

"Ah...?" Somehow, Pen was having strange feeling about it, though, so he turned around. There she was, standing with her tiny eyes looking quite stunned when he suddenly turned to look behind, at her.

"Whatta hell..." Although the vision of her was quite a blur, he recognised Nisa. "What are you doing? Get out of here."

Nisa had a moment of thought, as she stayed in silence. Pen continued walking ahead of himself, leaving her behind. Still, she followed him anyway, ignoring his commands.

As he moved on, he could still feel like he was being followed; so he turned back around. "You! Don't bother me!" Fuming, he continued walking again, faster this time around.

Nisa was suddenly chuckling, as she kept following him anyway, having faster pace just as Pen was going away faster. She had funny thoughts inside her head about the situation. However, Pen was thinking otherwise; he was damn annoyed.

"Whatta heck are you doing?!!" Pen stopped again and yelled at her, furious.

"You, Pencil, seem like in a bad shape," Nisa told him with a monotonous tone.

He was raising his eyebrows with a frown. "Hah?" He turned to the trash bin that was near him and kicked it down till the garbage fell out from it onto the street. "And what do YOU care anyway?"

Nisa went silent for a while, not giving much response. She muttered something to herself, unheard by him.

"WHATEVER!" Pen moaned again, turning away. He gave her a rather serious warning, "if you follow me again, you'll regret it."

As he walked away, he kept looking behind him to see if she was going to follow him again; of which, she did not seem like she was, anymore. Nisa stood still for a moment, unsure of what she was doing or what she would do next.

After Pen had gone out far enough, she decided she would still come along, having nothing else that she would want to worry for, whatever the circumstances would be. Pen who kept looking behind every 5 seconds then realised it; his steps came to a stop.

"Now you've done it." He reached the pockets of his leather jacket and took out his rather new cell phone, taking a good look at it for two seconds and then taking the look away to her face later. Nisa got stunned again, and stopped moving.

"Lisa, I really hate technologies," he claimed as he stared hard at her. "Now you've just made me hate both the technology, and you."

She was unsure what that would mean he would do next, and went blurred for a moment.

Pen suddenly threw the phone at her, and it hit her directly in the head.

Nisa fell to the ground, thinking about how silly that move was as she heard the fallen sound of the phone onto the street, now all broken, as bad as the sound was. She was falling out of consciousness, again.

016

Accepting things the way it already happened should be the way to go, she thought inside her head. It has always been that way.

Nisa looked on, not sure what she was feeling anymore. Arguments often happened between her and Joey, she had been used to it, to the point that it did not matter much to her anymore. As long as everything else was fine, it did not matter much, because at the end of the day, she knew there would be a better thing to happen later on. Everything had a reason for it.

There was a reason for it this time that she thought would be silly and good at the same time. Stupidity. She was looking for a reason to get over everything, at the same time it was covering up for every other problem, ruining it all. It was good to get over things that way, but at the same time it was stupid, damn silly. It really did not explain much of the actual truth; it seemed fake.

She pondered, feeling lost; then she stared at the box of tissue in front of her on the dining table and suddenly remembered something. I forgot I cried.

Nisa held the curtain near her open, as she sat down alone on her own at a table by the window, taking a sip of the coffee she just ordered five minutes ago at that small cafe in town.

“Then I wonder what you remember anymore.” The other Nisa stared back at her with a curious look on her face, sitting opposite to her. “Don’t mourn over this.”

“I’m not mourning, baka,” Nisa muttered as if talking to the other Nisa, in reality talking to herself. She looked down to her coffee, feeling blank. She did not know what to do anymore. There was a solemn feeling inside, at the same time it felt like erupting like a volcano. Often she hated that kind of mixed, tensed feeling that had always made her feel choked up inside, like another death penalty.

The other Nisa lay back to the chair unsatisfied with what seemed like Nisa’s weakness to admit the obvious. “You’re lame.”

I guess so. Whatever.

“Whatevers – are annoying, do you know that?” Imaginary Nisa asked, as if infuriated by now, crossing her arms over her chest.

I might realise that, but sometimes I can’t care enough about it.

"FUCK YA DAMN MORONS!"

She turned her attention to the noise coming from the cashier's counter; obviously, everybody else there was also looking. A man just grew upset at the lady over at the counter, as what she could presume from what she was seeing.

Duh. Where are good manners anymore? Even here I can't settle at peace drinking coffee, here there's someone growing upset and throwing unnecessary bad wordings to the cashier!

Imaginary Nisa looked on at the counter, raising her eyebrows. "I know that fella, if you ask me."

Nisa did not seem to realise it when she first looked upon the person yelling at the counter, not until the other Nisa reminded her of it. Nisa turned around to have a second look.

Pen?

"I'm sorry, sir, but we are unable to help you for what you requested," the lady at the counter commented as she was beginning to go frantic at his behaviour towards her. A man came up to the two of them; as it turned out he was the manager of the place itself, wanting to help out with the situation.

"Everything okay here?"

Pen pounded his fists on the counter table, somehow, he was losing his grip on everything. "THE HELL NOT!"

The manager was starting to feel threatened. "Sir, please calm down. I'm sure we are able to settle this in a more proper manner," the manager spoke out as nicely as he could, not wanting to worsen the situation.

The lady at the counter snorted. "Harold, he's asking for pretzels here!" she whispered to her manager, facing away from Pen. "I think he's been drinking.."

"IT'S ABSURD YOU DON'T HAVE SUCH A SIMPLE THING! WHAT IS UP WITH YOU PEOPLE??" Pen was bending his body over towards the two, as if getting more upset and was ready to start a fight.

Another man showed up behind Pen. "What is this commotion?" He exchanged glances with the manager.

The manager whispered to the lady of the counter, "if this gets worse, I want you to call the police." He took a deep breath, still wanting to end the situation in the most appropriate manner. "Sir, if you would like, please take a look at our menu and ask for what we have available. I apologise, but we don't have what you earlier requested here," the manager said to Pen.

Pen moaned loudly. "I WANT WHAT I WANT!"

"Sir, if you continue this, we would have to call the cops," the manager finally said to him.

Pen's eyes were blinking. "Oh, YEAH? GO AHEAD, HECK LIKE I CARE!" He went over and pulled the manager's collars, his adrenaline rush was flowing faster than ever; he could not care no more.

"Sir, stop-" the manager muttered. The counter lady went off to the back of the kitchen to call for help while the other man was trying to lay things off. Throughout the entire place, the situation was getting more attention from every other customer there, and more men were beginning to get up and help out. A bit farther away, Nisa was getting more surprised to what was happening; she sat there, just watching, wondering what she could do, since she knew Pen. Not wanting to stay silent watching her friend getting in trouble, she stood up to get to him.

"Hey, let it go, lad," commanded a man in his fifties as he tried to pull Pen away from the manager, just as the other man earlier on was trying to pull Pen's arms away.

Sick of getting more and more people bugging into the business, Pen let off his grab from the manager and struggled with the men to let go of him. "LET ME GO!" He groaned yet again, as the men got off him when he let go of the manager. "Fine, whatever, leave me alone!" Pen took off from that cafe in a split second, leaving the men at the counter area in curiosity.

"What's the matter with that young man?" the man in the fifties inquired, as the manager shook his head.

Hey, wait a minute Pencil!

Nisa followed him from behind, at the same time, not wanting him to realise her presence.

012

He stared down, speechless, although he had too many things to say in his head only waiting to come out in words. Sitting like a statue on the chair next to the hospital bed where Jennifer was silently lying in, Pen was dying inside. So was Jennifer.

"Glad you're back, Jen," he finally said to Jennifer who had already awakened from sleep. All left in the ward were the two of them.

Still in groggy condition and with her cracky voice, she turned her head slowly to face him. "Me too."

Pen looked at her with the most sincere smile he had ever had in the longest time. "It's been a long time. We all miss you... I miss you."

It was unlikely for her to see him that way. Pennsylvania McCain never seemed like the kind of guy who would ever cry or even put up a face like he did at that moment. He was a guy with foul mouth, strange facial expressions and messed up hairstyles, making him not look like he came from a wealthy family at all.

"Van..." she muttered out slowly. Pen then moved closer to her to hear to what she had to say.

"...you have to let me go."

Like all the stupid cartoons he had watched on television before, he envisioned a lightning bolt striking right through his heart, shattering it into trillions of pieces, impossible to be put back into one. But it was not like he had not expected such things from happening to him, from her, as he knew he had been expecting too much. He only hoped all the while for her to get back to life again and show her pretty smile. He just wished that she had not really said it directly to him.

Smiling, Pen said, "I know. I'm just glad you're okay now."

__________________________________________________________________________________


Where is he?

Her mind was going to be torn apart, just thinking about it. It had been several days already, and nobody knew where Joey had been to, no news about him at all, nothing. Every single minute that passed by was driving her crazy.

"Sarah, let's report this to the police or something."

With the food she just took into her mouth, being chewed, Sarah almost choked at hearing the word police somehow. Brian, Nisa and her were all having their meal at a halal restaurant off over Eastern Road of Brighton, East Sussex.

"Police?" Sarah asked, surprised.

Nisa looked at Brian for a response. He was silent for a moment.

"Might be good..." Brian said after giving a bit of thought. "Still... I haven't tried calling back his home or anything like that... I don't know the numbers..."

"I might know. Can you help me?" Nisa asked assuringly.

Taking a glance at the confused Sarah, Brian was sure of it. "Sarah and I would both help, I'm sure, we're all friends!"

At those positive words, Nisa confidently smiled. "Thank you! Although, you barely know me."

Continuing eating his spaghetti (obviously he was hungry), Brian just nodded. "Neoo whorries," he muttered to her before he finished eating.

"Um, hey!" Sarah raised her hand before continuing to eat her steak. "Do we really need to deal with the police?"

Knowing the kind of person Sarah was, Brian knew, no matter how responsible she was, however good, however kind, however independent, she had a hard time dealing with certain things in her life. Sarah's father was a troubled alcoholic and her mother lived to become quite troubled herself, although not quite as bad as he was. During those troubled days, there would always be the need to deal with the people that she learned not be fond of - the police. This was not exactly something that Nisa was aware of, only Brian was.

"Chill, Sarah. It will be fine. We're doing this for Joe," Brian tried to talk her over calmly, this time without food in his mouth.

Sarah stared at him, blunt.

Chill, sure.

It made her go back thinking about the days when her mother used to be depressed because of her father's sudden appearance and death. To treat the depression, she used to be on Paxil, or Seroxat, or chemically known as paroxetine, whatever name you wish to call it. It made her so suicidal that she needed to be hospitalised to make sure she would be safe, even then she was quite violent toward herself. It caused her to lose her appetite and she lost her weight a lot in just 2 weeks, causing her had to be kept warded at the hospital. It changed the happy mother whom she used to know before her alcoholic father ever appeared into a solemn woman who barely spoke or smiled anymore. It hurt her to see her mother that way, and she could do nothing about it.

Although that was back a few years ago, she could not help but felt bad about it. Life changed for her whole family when her father came back that one day, and it made her wish that he never came back at all, for her mother could have been happier today. In spite of that, her mother was getting better by the day, compared to the days when she was still in the hospital. She had stopped being on Paxil, much to the family's enlightenment.

"Are you gonna eat that or what?"

"Ah, this actually tastes good," Nisa ate a part of Sarah's steak, just to taste it, she thought - smiling, as she had already finished her spaghetti which was the same order as Brian's.

"Hey, it does," Brian, too, ate the steak and laughed, somehow having fun doing so.

"HEY, why are you both eating MY dinner? I didn't eat yours!" Sarah exclaimed, unsatisfied. Brian, enjoying himself, grinned at her.

"We finished first, that's why. You were dreaming. And this dinner is your treat!" Brian kept grinning. He placed both of his elbows on the table, with his palms holding his head up. He watched her eat. "Hurry up then."

Nisa only chuckled. "You two are funny people."

"Don't watch me eat!" Sarah's cheeks were turning red.

__________________________________________________________________________________


Ah. Jen, I see stars, I'm seeing stars!

It was like a line from Starry Eyed Surprise from Crazy Town. Coming out from a bar across Southover Street in Brighton, East Sussex, Pen headed for his car parked right next to the dustbin just as he remembered it just now.

Jen, just as I wished for... I'm so glad...

"Thank you, Van." He could see Jennifer smile right ahead of him while he was seated at the driver's seat, ready to go. There she was, walking away from him... and suddenly gone.

Hey, wait a second.

"I.. I have something to give you first before you go. Wait up!"

The keys were in. He turned the engines on, and sped away.