022

Hey you,
I know we hardly talk lately.
I know there are still some strange issues between us,
after all that happened all this while.
But thank you for willing to go out with me today,
I appreciate it a lot,
and I did have a lot of fun,
as much as I try to make it enjoyable for us.
Although I know you can take care of yourself,
I want to be here for you.
I want to make you laugh and smile.
You are important to me,
and I’m pretty sure I am important to you too,
only that you don’t show it much.
But I am okay with what you do,
weird or unusual or seemingly annoying,
so long as it isn’t wrong.
I apologise for those minor things I have ever been mad at.
I won’t sulk or get mad as before,
those were so childish of me,
as everything you do now only makes me smile.
As I have learnt to accept you as who you are.
So such minor things don’t matter much.
Now even though I’m not sure how this might turn out,
regardless of any reasons,
I know it in my heart I have to try it, this time.
I would like to make you a part of life.
I realise staying friends may never be the best solution.
I know I should’ve known so earlier,
I might’ve been too late at this.
But something tells me to at least tell you
all this… no more holding back,
and ask you…
can I be your girlfriend?
Yes it might seem sudden.
But I have thought about it.
Even if you will not let anyone enter your chamber of heart,
I’ll accept it as far as you let me.
And if you give me a chance,
I will try to be there for you,
I will not ask much from you,
I will try to repair our gap,
I will not interrupt your space.
No need to push yourself,
I don’t need the answer now.
Just think about it,
and let me know when you’re ready with an answer.
I’ll prepare myself for it: good, or bad.
Take care always.
… I still do, love you.


I fold up the letter carefully and put it back into the envelope. It has been a week since that day I was supposed to go out with him. And so the letter has existed for over a week now. I really do hope we can go out some time, so what I wrote here would not just end up in the trash can. I really want to give this to him before I change my mind. The outcome of the letter is another story. To give this, I need to spend some time going out with him first – that is the way I plan it. I need to do that first… sort of to make up all this while that I have never been able to have a decent moment being and talking with him. Still, I am trying to keep my expectations low…

But, when would we go out? And how would I ask him again?

I hear my cell phone suddenly ringing. Much to my surprise, it is him. With my heart beating fast, I push the answer button and say hello…

Time is the best healer. Although I can’t find a reason why we are getting further apart from each other, time might be the best way to show us and let us know what will happen again in the future, between us. You can try to fix this “distance” in between us… but for me, the best way is to wait, and let time decide.


… I look at the clock of the phone after he hangs up. 15 minutes later after the call began, it seems like everything has drastically changed. I lie on my bed, laughing a bit.

I got dumped even before I could even begin trying.

The pearls of tears are starting to come out again.

This was not at all the kind of outcome I prepared for. It is more devastating. And I never saw it coming.

Nisa was closing her eyes – she was pretty much asleep actually, in a sitting position on the wooden bench in a public park located near to the city centre. Somehow, there really was a bit of tears, falling down her right cheek.

“What the hell?” He waved both his hands in front of her face, but got no response to it.

Pen looked at Nisa more closely, making sure he got the right person. Strange enough, he thought, to find her again, this time sleeping on a bench at the park that he had often gone to when he felt like forgetting all of his problems and tension.

“Wha.. are you crying in your sleep or something?” Pen sighed. He figured that he would just let her be, since she was calmly sleeping anyway and he would not want to disturb her. So he began walking away.

Just a metre later, he took a glimpse at her and realised she was, in fact, drooling a little. He went back to her, reversely walking. Quite interesting to see her like that, he thought.

He let out a long sigh. “There’s no way I can let you be, damn it. I already injured your head.”

Taking the empty space next to her on the bench, he noticed her moving.

“… who…”

He turned to look at her. Nisa rubbed her eyes, then realised part of her cheek was wet and there was saliva down her lip. She took out some tissues from her jean pockets to rub them off, still not realising Pen was there.

“Yo!” Pen said, louder, making Nisa surprised for sure this time around. She rubbed her eyes again, trying to have a better look at him, still having blurred vision.

He stared at her with a frown on his face. “You, what are you doing, sleeping here?”

She tried to find her voice that was cracking. “… Um… I… was going somewhere… and got lost. And ended up being here… though I don’t remember going to sleep…”

Pen raised his eyebrows. “That’s weird…”

Trying to sit up straight, Nisa was still confused, to think that she was crying in her sleep. She could remember the dream she just had as well, though not being too sure what it was all about. It was starting to make her feel uneasy.

“Heyya, um… sorry I threw stuff at your head,” Pen apologised. “How are you feeling?”

She rubbed her forehead, her head aching again. “Honestly… not too good.”

“Ah… my doctor was the one checking you last night. He will further check up on you again today, so you should tell him then.”

She looked at him, feeling grateful. “I see. Thanks…”

“Seriously, tell him it all. ‘Coz I was the one that hurt you. And, you were crying just now…”

Nisa pondered upon the fact she was crying just now and upon the dream. Although it was just a dream, she could remember it well and she felt like there was something important about it relating to herself. She could not find the missing link, however, even if she tried scanning her head for it; she just could not remember anything regarding it. It only added up to the pain of her aching head. “Um… yeah… it was probably a reminiscence but I wasn’t sure what it was about.”

Pen was blurred. “Reminiscence? Your dream? It made you cry?”

“Sort of…” Nisa was really confused. “I think… I have partial memory loss…”

Pen raised his eyebrows, again, widening his big eyes.

019

It hurt, a lot.

"Itai!" Nisa tried to slowly touch the part where the cell phone had earlier hit her. "Darn..."

Outside the room, Sarah could hear her moaning while she was sipping on her coffee. "She woke up?" she asked, looking at Brian. Brian just shrugged his shoulders.

Pen exchanged glances with Brian. "Cool then, if she's woken up already, I guess I'd better be leaving." He stood up from the couch he was sitting on, his hand still putting the wet cloth over his head; dizzy from all the drinking he had had.

At that, Sarah glared at him again. "Whatever you want." She put down her cup of coffee and went into her room to check on Nisa. Pen stared at her before he took the next step to leave the house.

"Whatever back at you," he muttered and left the house without saying anything else. Brian just lay on the sofa, sighing.

Inside her room, Sarah could see that Nisa had awakened. She was so glad. "How are you?"

"This," she pointed to her bruise that had plasters on it, "really hurts."

"Haha..." Sarah sat down next to her as she tried to smile. "That is... really, bad, I know..."

Nisa barely smiled back. "I think I did something bad that I got this in return."

"Well, that moron Pen-" She stopped. Sarah would not want to let her worry about it no more. "Just rest here, right now, for the night."

"Um, sure."

Pen-cil, huh?

Then she remembered; he had thrown at her his own cell phone, causing her to fall out.

Remember?

Then I wonder what you remember anymore.

She could feel chaos running inside her head, with too many blurred thoughts.

I don't hate you.

There was something there, but she could not remember what it was. A dream with details she could not remember.

I don't hate you, the words kept running into her head. The words seemed to come from somewhere else, but not from her own.

Hate, who? What?, she asked herself.

As Sarah left her in the room all by herself, she was feeling so confused. Too much mix-up going on in her mind.