001

"Why are you smiling like that?"

Nisa stared at the therapist with quite a silly smile locked on her face.

"All right, Nisa, now here me out. Why are you afraid?"

She raised her eyebrows. "Afraid? Kelly, why are you saying so?"

Kelly sat up straight with a serious look in her eyes. The young, pretty lady with hair and a pair of hazel eyes now did not look as cheerful as she had always been. "Why do you think, I'm here, talking to you then?"

Why? How would I know that. Why do you keep appearing anyway?

Looking up to the ceiling, Nisa let out a big sigh, still with a smiley. "I never wanted to talk to you in the first place. Somehow you keep appearing in my life. It used to be someone else that appears in my life, talking to me like this, asking that question of why I keep smiling... it's my choice to smile, so be it. It used to be some other feeling, some kind of other problem that I could take. No case has ever been this serious before... 'cause you keep appearing in my life asking these stupid questions!"

Suddenly another voice interrupted.

"Nis, who are you talking to?"

Right next to the door, there stood another woman with long, curly black hair, holding a bottle of mineral water and a plate of fish and chips to be served for Nisa. A long-time best friend, Sarah had come in to snap Nisa out of her 'own world'. Image of Kelly had then disappeared as Nisa turned to look at Sarah, with a smile that had started to fade out. "Hey.. Sarah."

Sarah walked over and sat next to her in that living room, putting the bottle and plate on the coffee table. She, too, had a serious look on her face. "Are you okay?"

Are you okay?

Such a phrase, supposedly words spoken out in a gentle way to help out a friend. Nisa looked at Sarah, grinning again, but this time tears were starting to flood her eyes. She appreciated those words so much, she knew how much her friend cared about her, but she just could not respond to it. She felt trapped in her world. She could not say a thing, even though she felt like she had thousands of things to talk about, to let go of what she felt inside.

"Nah. I'm fine." She looked down to the floor with a chuckle.

"Really? I don't think so, miss. Come on now, what's wrong?"

She knew she was starting to make Sarah more worried, and it might get worse if the tears in her eyes actually came streaming out. At that moment, she knew that if she began crying, she might get out of control somehow. A deep sad feeling that she just could not contain once it was blurted out - a feeling of which she would rather die than to feel it.

As for all the years before, she had always managed to hide it. If I could avoid it, I might as well feel better soon. Everything will be okay. Daijoubu desu!

Of which, daijoubu meant that everything would be okay, in Japanese.

Nisa took a deep breath, widened her eyes a bit, looking up to the ceiling again before closing them. It was a few seconds later that she turned to face Sarah, smiling, with tears that she tried so hard to 'take back in' and hold them from spilling out.

"Seriously... I got so bored I talked to the wall." Nisa laughed at herself. "Been having the blues or something, I guess... but you know me anyway. Doing weird stuff all the time."

"Haha, that's really funny," Sarah snorted, "Seriously, won't you talk to me?"

Few lines of wrinkles sort of appeared on Nisa's forehead. "Come on now, I'm fine really. You know I have been up all night doing pretty much nothing with my computer. I got so sleepy now but even with these yawns making my eyes watery, I refuse to sleep. And your wall is so beautiful I love chatting with it." Nisa lay her arms around Sarah's shoulders, patting her hard from the back as she laughed again. With the hard pats, Sarah almost choked - well, she acted like she would.

"Ouch! You know, you always hit me hard like that! It hurts!" Sarah looked like she could fall off the sofa they were both sitting on. Nisa was still laughing at her, the person she had come to know for more than three years at the time. "Well then, you know me. Haha..." Sarah smiled as if forced to, trying to rub her back with her left hand. "That hurt. Moron." Then she hit her back - they were then both hitting and laughing at each other, breaking the silence in the house that Sarah rented on that windy Saturday evening.

Laughter. I love it everytime. Sorry, friend...

"HEY! Now that's over acting!" Yelling out, Nisa took the pillow that was down on the floor. "Watch out!!"

With that, Sarah got up and sped fast into the bathroom before Nisa could have the chance to hit her with the pillow. "Ya won't get me in here!"

"Haha..." Nisa snorted. "With you in there, it will stink later anyway. I might as well stay away," she said, joking. "I'll throw your pillow away!"

"Yeah sure!"

Nisa returned to the red sofa in the living room, putting the pillow next to the fish and chips.

I am a moron, after all. Scared of telling my problems. Scared of showing my true emotions. Scared of telling the truth. Maybe, scared of having a friend or even a companion.

She lay on the sofa looking up again. "Ni-sa no baka."