022

Hey you,
I know we hardly talk lately.
I know there are still some strange issues between us,
after all that happened all this while.
But thank you for willing to go out with me today,
I appreciate it a lot,
and I did have a lot of fun,
as much as I try to make it enjoyable for us.
Although I know you can take care of yourself,
I want to be here for you.
I want to make you laugh and smile.
You are important to me,
and I’m pretty sure I am important to you too,
only that you don’t show it much.
But I am okay with what you do,
weird or unusual or seemingly annoying,
so long as it isn’t wrong.
I apologise for those minor things I have ever been mad at.
I won’t sulk or get mad as before,
those were so childish of me,
as everything you do now only makes me smile.
As I have learnt to accept you as who you are.
So such minor things don’t matter much.
Now even though I’m not sure how this might turn out,
regardless of any reasons,
I know it in my heart I have to try it, this time.
I would like to make you a part of life.
I realise staying friends may never be the best solution.
I know I should’ve known so earlier,
I might’ve been too late at this.
But something tells me to at least tell you
all this… no more holding back,
and ask you…
can I be your girlfriend?
Yes it might seem sudden.
But I have thought about it.
Even if you will not let anyone enter your chamber of heart,
I’ll accept it as far as you let me.
And if you give me a chance,
I will try to be there for you,
I will not ask much from you,
I will try to repair our gap,
I will not interrupt your space.
No need to push yourself,
I don’t need the answer now.
Just think about it,
and let me know when you’re ready with an answer.
I’ll prepare myself for it: good, or bad.
Take care always.
… I still do, love you.


I fold up the letter carefully and put it back into the envelope. It has been a week since that day I was supposed to go out with him. And so the letter has existed for over a week now. I really do hope we can go out some time, so what I wrote here would not just end up in the trash can. I really want to give this to him before I change my mind. The outcome of the letter is another story. To give this, I need to spend some time going out with him first – that is the way I plan it. I need to do that first… sort of to make up all this while that I have never been able to have a decent moment being and talking with him. Still, I am trying to keep my expectations low…

But, when would we go out? And how would I ask him again?

I hear my cell phone suddenly ringing. Much to my surprise, it is him. With my heart beating fast, I push the answer button and say hello…

Time is the best healer. Although I can’t find a reason why we are getting further apart from each other, time might be the best way to show us and let us know what will happen again in the future, between us. You can try to fix this “distance” in between us… but for me, the best way is to wait, and let time decide.


… I look at the clock of the phone after he hangs up. 15 minutes later after the call began, it seems like everything has drastically changed. I lie on my bed, laughing a bit.

I got dumped even before I could even begin trying.

The pearls of tears are starting to come out again.

This was not at all the kind of outcome I prepared for. It is more devastating. And I never saw it coming.

Nisa was closing her eyes – she was pretty much asleep actually, in a sitting position on the wooden bench in a public park located near to the city centre. Somehow, there really was a bit of tears, falling down her right cheek.

“What the hell?” He waved both his hands in front of her face, but got no response to it.

Pen looked at Nisa more closely, making sure he got the right person. Strange enough, he thought, to find her again, this time sleeping on a bench at the park that he had often gone to when he felt like forgetting all of his problems and tension.

“Wha.. are you crying in your sleep or something?” Pen sighed. He figured that he would just let her be, since she was calmly sleeping anyway and he would not want to disturb her. So he began walking away.

Just a metre later, he took a glimpse at her and realised she was, in fact, drooling a little. He went back to her, reversely walking. Quite interesting to see her like that, he thought.

He let out a long sigh. “There’s no way I can let you be, damn it. I already injured your head.”

Taking the empty space next to her on the bench, he noticed her moving.

“… who…”

He turned to look at her. Nisa rubbed her eyes, then realised part of her cheek was wet and there was saliva down her lip. She took out some tissues from her jean pockets to rub them off, still not realising Pen was there.

“Yo!” Pen said, louder, making Nisa surprised for sure this time around. She rubbed her eyes again, trying to have a better look at him, still having blurred vision.

He stared at her with a frown on his face. “You, what are you doing, sleeping here?”

She tried to find her voice that was cracking. “… Um… I… was going somewhere… and got lost. And ended up being here… though I don’t remember going to sleep…”

Pen raised his eyebrows. “That’s weird…”

Trying to sit up straight, Nisa was still confused, to think that she was crying in her sleep. She could remember the dream she just had as well, though not being too sure what it was all about. It was starting to make her feel uneasy.

“Heyya, um… sorry I threw stuff at your head,” Pen apologised. “How are you feeling?”

She rubbed her forehead, her head aching again. “Honestly… not too good.”

“Ah… my doctor was the one checking you last night. He will further check up on you again today, so you should tell him then.”

She looked at him, feeling grateful. “I see. Thanks…”

“Seriously, tell him it all. ‘Coz I was the one that hurt you. And, you were crying just now…”

Nisa pondered upon the fact she was crying just now and upon the dream. Although it was just a dream, she could remember it well and she felt like there was something important about it relating to herself. She could not find the missing link, however, even if she tried scanning her head for it; she just could not remember anything regarding it. It only added up to the pain of her aching head. “Um… yeah… it was probably a reminiscence but I wasn’t sure what it was about.”

Pen was blurred. “Reminiscence? Your dream? It made you cry?”

“Sort of…” Nisa was really confused. “I think… I have partial memory loss…”

Pen raised his eyebrows, again, widening his big eyes.

021

No... this is not working!

Pushing the blanket off her body, Nisa tried to get up; moving carefully as not to awaken Sarah who was sleeping next to her in that same bed that was also a king size. She was trying so hard to get some sleep after a bit of talking with Sarah, but it had not worked since she began trying almost three hours ago. All kinds of strange thoughts came clouding her mind; she was not even sure what they were, some of them seemed so vague.

At the same time, she was trying all she could to remember just the simplest detail of what seemed to be lost from her present memories - somehow, about the only part that was missing - all concerned with someone referred to as Joey. It was probably even more than that that she had no memories of anymore, only that she had not known about it yet.

"That name seems to mean something, but frankly speaking, I have nothing I could recall concerning him," Nisa was explaining to Sarah earlier.

"Seriously? You don't remember him at all?"

Nisa, shaking her head, felt so depressed somehow. Something inside wanted to come out so bad, yet, she did not even know what it was. It seemed so important.

"I..." Nisa was feeling empty, at her very worst. "It seems very crucial, Sarah. You all are good within my memories but I don't remember this Joey at all... what is this, Sarah? Why...?"

She could not help it; she began crying. Sarah, seemingly speechless, felt very bad for her. Giving her a good hug, she said, "Take some more rest. This probably has something to do with last night's accident. I know what I can do for you later on. We'll discuss it again later, okay? I promise, soon enough, I will try my best to help."

Sarah, a girl with family problems, regarding her family history. Also a girl with great warmth when dealt with, although at some point she could get over her head with things she found to be dissatisfied with which could get quite annoying - consider the situation between her and Pen. Still, in the worst situations, she always found a way to give comfort to the people around her and try to lend a helping hand if she could help solve the problem. Growing up in such a family, money never seemed to be a problem, though. Her mother became a successful businesswoman despite all the problems that happened in the family in the past, not failing to take care of the children and giving all her love to them even without anyone else's help. The children were educated well and able to live well without a father. Only, true problems always seemed to have risen everytime the topic regarding their father came up, in which the children found it to be devastating to deal with - an ignorant, violent, alcoholic father.

So there she was, in a considerably big and beautiful apartment that was quite costly to pay for every month, but never seemed to be a problem for Sarah for all the while she had lived there. She would have lived along with her if she had not agreed to share the same rented house with the other girls before she knew Sarah would be living there.

Regardless of all the good, comfy conditions, she failed to go back to sleep. In fact, she felt like going out for a moment, as if feeling the need to go somewhere specific although she had no idea where or why or how to get there.

Life really feels far from complete now.

Groggily trying to stand up on her feet, she tried to walk steadily toward the bedroom door. Just as she was going to open up the doorknob, she saw something on the small table next to the door, with its lights blinking clearly. It was Sarah's Garmin GPS phone, having its screen targeted on some kind of a map within Sussex.

In the midst of her confusion, she found the phone to be quite a tool, of which she would always find to be "cool" - as she would say so. Curiosity over such gadgets that she probably would never afford to own would always be quite overwhelming for her to supposedly take a short look at.

She had a feeling as well that it would lead her somewhere to lessen her burden of confusion.

Me never a tech kind of person.

Pressing some bit of buttons...

A new area appeared on the map. Although it seemed quite random and not a place she had been to before, there was some attraction to one place in the area on the map; an instinctive feeling telling her to go there. She decided that she would go, pretty much knowing her way to the place.

Am I kidding myself? Why this place, out of all other places in this town?

It was not so clear. But she took her headscarf and dressed up quite casually, knowing that she would definitely go on with the idea.

Remembering her things to bring this time, she took her small purse and her cell phone, fitting them into her jeans.

It was already about 8 a.m.. Supposedly there was no sign of unfortunate events by going on with the unplanned decision, only the bright sunlight coming in through the windows.

Off I go then. See you, Sarah.