020

Ouch...

Something seems to be slipping off.

It was 4 am in the morning. Nisa had wakened up again, shaking her head a bit; her head still all dizzy. She felt like something was not right.

"Hey, are you all right? I've been really concerned of you," Sarah spoke to her from the bedroom door as she was just done doing her facial cleansing, just about to get ready to go to bed.

"Yeah... think so," Nisa answered, in doubt. "It's just that something feels weird... aren't you going to sleep yet? It seems late." Nisa glanced at the alarm clock near the bed.

"I'm not sleepy somehow, all of a sudden. But I really wanna try to get some rest after such a day. Don't worry 'bout that..."

"Oh... I... see."

After a quick self-thought, Sarah came in. "Don't think too much. It's probably just... what has happened recently. Things could turn out to be hard now, but I'm sure it will be all right soon. Things with the people around us..."

Letting out a sigh, Nisa stared out in space. "I know but..."

It's not exactly like that...

"Something's just, off," Nisa told her. "Like, really, weird feeling inside."

Nodding her head as if she understood what Nisa was talking about, Sarah said, "I guess this is probably about him, huh?"

Him...?

"We will find out what is going on with him. This is what I was talking about - it's hard now, for you, for him too I guess, I don't know... but give it time. I'm sure there's some good things that will happen soon... give it time, it'd pay off."

Somehow there was a startled look on Nisa's face.

"I... don't... get it, what are you trying to say?"

Sarah sat down next to Nisa on the bed. "You know... come on, you know who I'm talking about. Don't give me that blank look."

Still Nisa was giving her a blank look as if obviously confused.

"Need I say it out loud? Joey... you've been having complicated problems with him since... I don't know, quite a while now? Although it may look quite simple to everyone else, it does seem complicated when I look at it..."

Nisa was blinking as she began to frown. "Joey?"

Joey...?

It pretty much seemed to echo in her head, but she could not understand it so well.

"Yeah, him of course. No other guy seems to matter to you in this kind of thing, apparently. Look, although he's off somewhere and we can't reach to him now, I'm sure he's out there, safe and sound, and will be back safely too. Anything else, put those things aside for now."

Nisa felt damn lost. "Sarah... I can't understand you."

"Nisa, I know it sounds better said than done, but please, calm down and don't worry too much. I know it seems weird and confusing now, but God always have reasons for everything that happens."

She shook her head. "I mean, Sarah..."

This is very freaking weird.

"I am confused, it does feel weird... but you have to understand what I am trying to say."

At that, Sarah stared back at her, surprised. Nisa really wanted to let her know about something. This seemed like something else.

"I don't... know..." Nisa was pretty much scratching her head, scanning her head for some information she thought she must have lost, somewhere. "I don't know why..."

"What is it?"

Nisa was puzzled. "I mean... Joey? Joey who? What are you talking about?"

019

It hurt, a lot.

"Itai!" Nisa tried to slowly touch the part where the cell phone had earlier hit her. "Darn..."

Outside the room, Sarah could hear her moaning while she was sipping on her coffee. "She woke up?" she asked, looking at Brian. Brian just shrugged his shoulders.

Pen exchanged glances with Brian. "Cool then, if she's woken up already, I guess I'd better be leaving." He stood up from the couch he was sitting on, his hand still putting the wet cloth over his head; dizzy from all the drinking he had had.

At that, Sarah glared at him again. "Whatever you want." She put down her cup of coffee and went into her room to check on Nisa. Pen stared at her before he took the next step to leave the house.

"Whatever back at you," he muttered and left the house without saying anything else. Brian just lay on the sofa, sighing.

Inside her room, Sarah could see that Nisa had awakened. She was so glad. "How are you?"

"This," she pointed to her bruise that had plasters on it, "really hurts."

"Haha..." Sarah sat down next to her as she tried to smile. "That is... really, bad, I know..."

Nisa barely smiled back. "I think I did something bad that I got this in return."

"Well, that moron Pen-" She stopped. Sarah would not want to let her worry about it no more. "Just rest here, right now, for the night."

"Um, sure."

Pen-cil, huh?

Then she remembered; he had thrown at her his own cell phone, causing her to fall out.

Remember?

Then I wonder what you remember anymore.

She could feel chaos running inside her head, with too many blurred thoughts.

I don't hate you.

There was something there, but she could not remember what it was. A dream with details she could not remember.

I don't hate you, the words kept running into her head. The words seemed to come from somewhere else, but not from her own.

Hate, who? What?, she asked herself.

As Sarah left her in the room all by herself, she was feeling so confused. Too much mix-up going on in her mind.

018

I hate you.

It seemed like a clear statement from her to him, not really spoken but was rather muttered by her in an empty, white and bright room. He only looked back at the girl, who was looking down on the blank floor, his eyes were red; even if it was just her muttering, he heard it too well.

"Might as well forget about it, then," he said, breaking the silence.

From the empty white room, it went on to become a room with many broken chairs and tables, seemingly unused for years and had a row of windows at one side of the room. She sat still on a broken, wooden chair, while he stood next to her.

"It is better this way," he continued speaking, as he looked ahead of himself to outside the windows, to the empty field right outside the room; the sunshine was shining brightly. "It cannot be avoided."

There she was, stuck with nothing good to say.

"Enough of all of this. It brings more and more frustation and dissatisfaction to both of us." He took a short glance at her. "It might be the only way there is."

"That's not true," she commented. "I don't think so..."

"You hate me." He looked at her again for a moment. "So you should know so." He let out a sigh. "Nothing else."

She was held at the top of her breath again.

But then...

Her other self spoke from her back in whispers, putting up a face rather emotionless. "Would you tell it to him?"

No way. But...

No, it was all just a cover up.

It was basically, not what it seems.

For in truth I hated you; you, as in that deep, feeling I couldn't get rid of; that feeling of my love for you.

For there is no way I could hate you so suddenly when I love you.

That I wanted a reason to get over you.

As it seems like you got over me a long time ago.. and that it doesn't seem to matter to you of what bad things you often say to me.

So I thought I was trash to you for a while, getting over-sensitive for that one stupid while.

It just proves my weakness, affected by my troubled feelings.

Now you think I hate you...

I think now you hate me too.

"You," he said after a long silence, looking at her in the eye, as if wanting to say something else. "Anything else?"

She felt awkward and confused, guzzling. I know that doing or saying anything now would either make no difference, or just makes it worse... like it has been before...

Then he turned his gaze away. "I have nothing else to say." Putting his hands in his jean pockets, he seemed ready to leave. "Goodbye."

Goodbye?

"Nisa, wait, this can't be how you want it to be!" Her emotionless, other self just went rather uptight. At the same time, she just stared at the face of the guy who was standing right beside her a moment ago, who was then leaving, one step after another.

I can't do anything now.

He must want all of this to stop in his life now. He got tired of it.

A full stop. Me, out of it.

"You know you wanna say something, don't you?"

Forget it... She closed her ears with her palms, closing her eyes, feeling annoyed with herself. "Shut up now, stop!"

"You're ruining it."

I already ruined it. Forget about it.

"That's it?! What, forget everything just like that?! Impossible! It's bakarashii!!"

Her eyes were stung with tears, and she was trying hard to avoid them from coming out. I always hope the best will happen for you in your life.

Things seemed to be falling out of place.

I forgot I cried.......

Then I wonder what you remember anymore.

I don't wanna hear it... stop!

The wooden chair suddenly broke down, sending her falling to the ground.

I've fallen. Forgive me. She looked up, somehow, seeing the skies.

"Stop it!"

Her eyes opened slowly. She could hear quite a fuss going on around her, or somewhere there.

"I know what I did, all right?" he shouted out loud, enraged. "So shut up!"

Sitting down on the couch, Pen rubbed his head, as he took the wet rug from Brian and put it over his forehead, his head in pain.

"I won't forgive you for this," Sarah declared, glaring at him from the kitchen area; as she was making a cup of coffee there in her own house.

Pen kept silent, as he continued rubbing his head. Brian looked on, not saying much, as he sat on the one-seat sofa next to the couch. "Whatever, guys."

"Damn. Why was she there anyway?!" Pen grumbled. His sanity was going off the drain as the seconds passed. He was unable to think clearly for most of that day all the way through the night that he felt like going mad wherever he went. When Nisa passed out, he went on walking out. There were a few of others there who were passing by; they were quick to help Nisa out and they were definitely not going to let Pen go so easily, so they pulled him back to the scene. He was almost going to be as good as dead as some men there were already beating him up. All of a sudden, the cell phone that he used to throw at Nisa went ringing; much to his surprise, expecting that it would have been dead and no longer functioning, looking at its current shape at that time, it seemed already broken. That was when Brian called him up. And that had later brought them there after Nisa was checked by Pen's private doctor that night. At least that was Pen's way to redeem for himself.

Inside Sarah's bedroom, Nisa had awakened. She had a part of her forehead with plasters on, where it really hurt when she tried to touch it.

She tried to get up, her head hurting. At the same time, she had a strange feeling inside her, somehow.

017

Walking without stability, Pen did not care to consider what was going on around him, across the streets or wherever he was at. The day would soon fall into the night, and he really had no specific place he wanted to go to.

To the goody bookstore... he thought, remembering how he and Jennifer used to enjoy themselves spending time at local bookstores around the town. But looking at the actual condition, it did not seem like he was directed to anywhere good, only the closest pubs in town. He was headed to streets where there was not much of anyone around.

Following behind him was Nisa, who tried to not be too apparent so as not for him to realise that she was there.

"Ah...?" Somehow, Pen was having strange feeling about it, though, so he turned around. There she was, standing with her tiny eyes looking quite stunned when he suddenly turned to look behind, at her.

"Whatta hell..." Although the vision of her was quite a blur, he recognised Nisa. "What are you doing? Get out of here."

Nisa had a moment of thought, as she stayed in silence. Pen continued walking ahead of himself, leaving her behind. Still, she followed him anyway, ignoring his commands.

As he moved on, he could still feel like he was being followed; so he turned back around. "You! Don't bother me!" Fuming, he continued walking again, faster this time around.

Nisa was suddenly chuckling, as she kept following him anyway, having faster pace just as Pen was going away faster. She had funny thoughts inside her head about the situation. However, Pen was thinking otherwise; he was damn annoyed.

"Whatta heck are you doing?!!" Pen stopped again and yelled at her, furious.

"You, Pencil, seem like in a bad shape," Nisa told him with a monotonous tone.

He was raising his eyebrows with a frown. "Hah?" He turned to the trash bin that was near him and kicked it down till the garbage fell out from it onto the street. "And what do YOU care anyway?"

Nisa went silent for a while, not giving much response. She muttered something to herself, unheard by him.

"WHATEVER!" Pen moaned again, turning away. He gave her a rather serious warning, "if you follow me again, you'll regret it."

As he walked away, he kept looking behind him to see if she was going to follow him again; of which, she did not seem like she was, anymore. Nisa stood still for a moment, unsure of what she was doing or what she would do next.

After Pen had gone out far enough, she decided she would still come along, having nothing else that she would want to worry for, whatever the circumstances would be. Pen who kept looking behind every 5 seconds then realised it; his steps came to a stop.

"Now you've done it." He reached the pockets of his leather jacket and took out his rather new cell phone, taking a good look at it for two seconds and then taking the look away to her face later. Nisa got stunned again, and stopped moving.

"Lisa, I really hate technologies," he claimed as he stared hard at her. "Now you've just made me hate both the technology, and you."

She was unsure what that would mean he would do next, and went blurred for a moment.

Pen suddenly threw the phone at her, and it hit her directly in the head.

Nisa fell to the ground, thinking about how silly that move was as she heard the fallen sound of the phone onto the street, now all broken, as bad as the sound was. She was falling out of consciousness, again.

016

Accepting things the way it already happened should be the way to go, she thought inside her head. It has always been that way.

Nisa looked on, not sure what she was feeling anymore. Arguments often happened between her and Joey, she had been used to it, to the point that it did not matter much to her anymore. As long as everything else was fine, it did not matter much, because at the end of the day, she knew there would be a better thing to happen later on. Everything had a reason for it.

There was a reason for it this time that she thought would be silly and good at the same time. Stupidity. She was looking for a reason to get over everything, at the same time it was covering up for every other problem, ruining it all. It was good to get over things that way, but at the same time it was stupid, damn silly. It really did not explain much of the actual truth; it seemed fake.

She pondered, feeling lost; then she stared at the box of tissue in front of her on the dining table and suddenly remembered something. I forgot I cried.

Nisa held the curtain near her open, as she sat down alone on her own at a table by the window, taking a sip of the coffee she just ordered five minutes ago at that small cafe in town.

“Then I wonder what you remember anymore.” The other Nisa stared back at her with a curious look on her face, sitting opposite to her. “Don’t mourn over this.”

“I’m not mourning, baka,” Nisa muttered as if talking to the other Nisa, in reality talking to herself. She looked down to her coffee, feeling blank. She did not know what to do anymore. There was a solemn feeling inside, at the same time it felt like erupting like a volcano. Often she hated that kind of mixed, tensed feeling that had always made her feel choked up inside, like another death penalty.

The other Nisa lay back to the chair unsatisfied with what seemed like Nisa’s weakness to admit the obvious. “You’re lame.”

I guess so. Whatever.

“Whatevers – are annoying, do you know that?” Imaginary Nisa asked, as if infuriated by now, crossing her arms over her chest.

I might realise that, but sometimes I can’t care enough about it.

"FUCK YA DAMN MORONS!"

She turned her attention to the noise coming from the cashier's counter; obviously, everybody else there was also looking. A man just grew upset at the lady over at the counter, as what she could presume from what she was seeing.

Duh. Where are good manners anymore? Even here I can't settle at peace drinking coffee, here there's someone growing upset and throwing unnecessary bad wordings to the cashier!

Imaginary Nisa looked on at the counter, raising her eyebrows. "I know that fella, if you ask me."

Nisa did not seem to realise it when she first looked upon the person yelling at the counter, not until the other Nisa reminded her of it. Nisa turned around to have a second look.

Pen?

"I'm sorry, sir, but we are unable to help you for what you requested," the lady at the counter commented as she was beginning to go frantic at his behaviour towards her. A man came up to the two of them; as it turned out he was the manager of the place itself, wanting to help out with the situation.

"Everything okay here?"

Pen pounded his fists on the counter table, somehow, he was losing his grip on everything. "THE HELL NOT!"

The manager was starting to feel threatened. "Sir, please calm down. I'm sure we are able to settle this in a more proper manner," the manager spoke out as nicely as he could, not wanting to worsen the situation.

The lady at the counter snorted. "Harold, he's asking for pretzels here!" she whispered to her manager, facing away from Pen. "I think he's been drinking.."

"IT'S ABSURD YOU DON'T HAVE SUCH A SIMPLE THING! WHAT IS UP WITH YOU PEOPLE??" Pen was bending his body over towards the two, as if getting more upset and was ready to start a fight.

Another man showed up behind Pen. "What is this commotion?" He exchanged glances with the manager.

The manager whispered to the lady of the counter, "if this gets worse, I want you to call the police." He took a deep breath, still wanting to end the situation in the most appropriate manner. "Sir, if you would like, please take a look at our menu and ask for what we have available. I apologise, but we don't have what you earlier requested here," the manager said to Pen.

Pen moaned loudly. "I WANT WHAT I WANT!"

"Sir, if you continue this, we would have to call the cops," the manager finally said to him.

Pen's eyes were blinking. "Oh, YEAH? GO AHEAD, HECK LIKE I CARE!" He went over and pulled the manager's collars, his adrenaline rush was flowing faster than ever; he could not care no more.

"Sir, stop-" the manager muttered. The counter lady went off to the back of the kitchen to call for help while the other man was trying to lay things off. Throughout the entire place, the situation was getting more attention from every other customer there, and more men were beginning to get up and help out. A bit farther away, Nisa was getting more surprised to what was happening; she sat there, just watching, wondering what she could do, since she knew Pen. Not wanting to stay silent watching her friend getting in trouble, she stood up to get to him.

"Hey, let it go, lad," commanded a man in his fifties as he tried to pull Pen away from the manager, just as the other man earlier on was trying to pull Pen's arms away.

Sick of getting more and more people bugging into the business, Pen let off his grab from the manager and struggled with the men to let go of him. "LET ME GO!" He groaned yet again, as the men got off him when he let go of the manager. "Fine, whatever, leave me alone!" Pen took off from that cafe in a split second, leaving the men at the counter area in curiosity.

"What's the matter with that young man?" the man in the fifties inquired, as the manager shook his head.

Hey, wait a minute Pencil!

Nisa followed him from behind, at the same time, not wanting him to realise her presence.